- Sergeant: "Correct, there is no obligation."
[Fry and Bender sign the enlistment papers]
Sergeant: "Unless, of course, war were declared."
[Alarm goes off]
Fry: "What's that?"
Sergeant: "War were declared."
- Zapp Brannigan: "Alas, after a series of deadly blunders caused by distracting low-cut fatigues and lots of harmless pinching, the Army decided women weren't fit for service. Not when I'm in charge."
- Richard Nixon: "Brannigan!"
Zapp Brannigan: "Hmm?" [turns to face Nixon]
Richard Nixon: "My God, cover yourself! I didn't live a thousand years and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo!"
- Zapp Brannigan: "You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the Brain Balls." [points to head] "They've got a lot of brains..." [makes cupping gesture] "and they've got a lot of... chutzpah."
- Zapp Brannigan: [being scrubbed in shower by Kif] "A little lower... lower... lower... a lot lower...TOO LOW!... lower..."
- Fry: "Stop you can't say the next word!"
Bender: "Up yours, chump, I said it 906 times before lunch."
- Bender: "Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass!"
- Bender: "The name of the game is make Bender happy or he blows up the planet!"
Bender: I'd rather die and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute and listen to these idiots talk about bouncing!
Brain Ball: "Please, stay calm. There is no need to bounce off the handle."
Bender: "That's it! I'm sayin' it! A is for a..."
Brain Ball: "Stop! We give into all of Earth's demands! The war is over. Our home planet is yours."
Fry: "Wait, this is your home planet? We're the evil invading aliens?"
Brain Ball: "Correct."
Bender: "Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with earth!"
Brain Ball: "May you bounce in peace."
Bender: [sternly] "Get the hell off my planet."
- iHawk: [maudlin] "This isn't a war, it's a murder." [irreverent, in Groucho Marx voice] "This ain't a war, it's 'moider'!"
- Zoidberg: [treating patient] "Scalpel, blood bucket, Priest, next patient."
- Richard Nixon: You'll be accompanied by our Chief Diplomat, Henry Kissinger.
- Henry Kissinger: How are you?
- Bender: Is he any good?
- Richard Nixon: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed, 'nuff said.